Report: Bear Market Persists Because Too Many Americans Have Paper Hands

WASHINGTON—With the Bitcoin price continuing to meet resistance at $22,000, the Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond issued a report Monday suggesting the crisis is primarily the result of millions of Americans having paper hands.

According to the findings, 8 in 10 Americans have lost their diamond hands & ability to ‘stack sats’; resulting in anemic price growth of Bitcoin, Altcoins and “meme stonks” more generally. The Federal Reserve Bank of Richmond estimates that Bitcoin could reach upwards of $80,000 per coin if at least 6 in 10 Americans could find their diamond hands and begin blindly throwing money at equities and cryptocurrencies.

"The price of Bitcoin and Altcoins will not recover until Americans begin blindly throwing money they don’t actually have at things they don’t understand," said Richmond Fed President Thomas I. Barkin, cautioning that “the increased need to do due diligence on one’s investments & financial situation is putting downward pressures on a broad range of cryptos and equities.”

Richmond Fed President Barkin was also quick to point out a potential remedy for America’s present economic woes: “If we are going to put this bear market behind us Americans need to do their patriotic duty and utilize copious amounts of debt and leverage to again pump up the price of investments they have little to no understanding of.”

The Richmond Fed noted their data doesn’t take into account the quality of FOMO inducing memes out in the various online ecosystems, which according to Richmond Fed President Barkin “can play a crucial role in inducing the development of ape communities focused on funding companies like Bed Bath and Beyond or cryptocurrencies like Bonk just for the lolz.”