6 in 10 Top Crypto Investment & Trading Firms Staffed by Primates

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SAN DIEGO - With recent headlines around the FTX collapse and potential Digital Currency Group insolvency dominating much of the news-cycle, many are asking: how did so many sophisticated firms in the cryptocurrency market fail to conduct adequate counter-party risk analysis & due diligence?

An in-depth investigation by the Daily Sybil may be able to shed some light on this question: many of the top trading & investment firms in the cryptocurrency space have been employing actual primates to fill their key trading & investment strategy roles.

“With all the ape jpegs and talk of ape culture, I thought this whole cryptocurrency thing was some sort of primate based entertainment fad” Otto Hasslein a Managing Partner for RoBits Capital Partners noted before continuing “I can say for sure we were not alone in this assumption & like many others in the space we acquired a few apes, gave them a Bloomberg Terminal and watched them print money in 2021.”

“When one of our more dominate apes, Grape Ape, proposed selling Bitcoin in late 2020 and buying monkey JPEGs, I thought it was a bit bananas at first” George Taylor of Big Yellow Hat Ventures told the Daily Sybil before going on to say “but that trade alone netted us a 200x return so it seemed like these apes really had their finger on the pulse of this crypto thingy.”

After Genesis Global began halting withdrawals on Nov. 16, rumors began circulating that Digital Currency Group had quietly let go of much of its staff of apes that managed their carry trading & lending shops. Grayscale has since clarified that "apes only acted as advisors & never were the final say on any investments or decisions of significance."

Many cryptocurrency experts have come to realize that the success of these trading firms did not come from the ‘wisdom of the apes’ as previously believed but rather the “everything bubble” created by the easy money policies of Central Banks around the globe. It appears now that much of the incredible growth in the cryptocurrency market was driven by government and central bank interventions - drastically increased money supply, mortgage forbearance, stimulus checks, student loan deferment, low taxes and low interest rates.

While many ape-ran shops at top cryptocurrency trading firms were able to capitalize on the rapid upward trends in the cryptocurrency markets in 2021, it appears they were ill-prepared for the downturn.

“I tried sending down our Director of Risk Management to talk to our ape shop when the markets began to trend down in early 2022 to discuss their risk mitigation strategies” George Taylor of Big Yellow Hat Ventures said shaking his head in disappointment before continuing “the minute Toby brought this up with the apes they immediately became irate and began flinging items in the room at him while screeching - they nearly ripped his face off.”

That was the last time anyone at Big Yellow Hat Ventures attempted to discuss risk management strategies with their trading desk. Leaked documents provided to the Daily Sybil from other top trading & investment firms confirm that many others in the space faced similar difficulties reigning in their ape shops.

The downfall of FTX, Three Arrows Capital and others in the cryptocurrency space emphasize the need for firms to have robust risk management strategies. Though risk is not something that can be removed entirely, employing actual humans who utilize industry standard risk management strategies can be key for avoiding some of the pitfalls faced by institutional investors in 2022.

To George Taylor of Yellow Hat Ventures, the carelessness of the industry in 2021 is not something he can forgive, in a recent tweet he emphasized this saying “You maniacs! You blew it up!”

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