CEO of Alameda Research Blames Harry Potter books for Alameda/FTX Collapse

BAHAMAS - It’s been a bad week for Harry Potter enthusiast and Alameda Research CEO, Caroline Ellison, to say the least. The fall of Alameda Research has put Caroline Ellison at the center of cryptocurrency news amidst crashing cryptocurrency prices and market turmoil.

Caroline Ellison was caught off guard by how quickly the FTX aligned cryptocurrency trading firm, Alameda Research, collapsed. Like other American millennials, Caroline has many passions that she has used to occupy her time: she loves rollerblading, her pet ferret walter, running altcoin trading firms like Alameda Research into the ground and, of course, Harry Potter.

“Harry Potter books showed me that magic is real,” Caroline noted before continuing, “I’ve been using spells such as Avada Kedavra, Wingardium Leviosa, and Lumos to help drive Alameda’s success in the cryptocurrency market.”

But with the quick collapse of Alameda Research Caroline has been left wondering if her reliance on magic might have contributed to Alameda’s total failure.

“Who needs math when you can have magic” Caroline noted, shaking her head “Dumbledore never needed math, so I assumed I didn’t either.”

Caroline is part of Sam Bankman-Fried's trusted circle. A recently published CoinDesk article noted that she was among the nine people living with Bankman-Fried in an extravagant Harry Potter themed villa in the Bahamas and was actively helping to light customer funds on fire at Alameda Research/FTX.

CoinDesk has also reported that Caroline and Bankman-Fried dated, citing those familiar with the pair.

Caroline joined Alameda Research after a brief stint as an intern at Jane Street where she developed an interest in the cryptocurrency markets.

At Alameda, she quickly rose to CEO in just two years. She said Alameda offered her insights into how companies work, at least ones that are able to so aptly steal & lose customer funds. At Alameda she focused on a strategy of stealing customer Bitcoin & Ethereum deposits from FTX in order to invest them in useless altcoins & Harry Potter memorabilia.

"Once you are like one of the few people in a small cryptocurrency startup like Alameda Research, you realize that there are a bunch of decisions that have to be made, and things like math, cryptocurrency market analysis, & corporate governance can only get you so far," she said in a recent interview. "When it comes to tough decisions, why hire an accountant or a corporate board when you can rely on the ancient & tested power of magic."

Caroline recounted the stressful hours when she learned the collapse of Alameda Research was imminent “I was enjoying watching a live game of quidditch at my Bahamian Villa” Caroline said with in a tear in her eye before going on to say “I had used some of the customer deposits from FTX to hire full-time quidditch players, but all that is gone now.” At all hours of the day & night sources close to Caroline noted that the obscure game from the Harry Potter series, quidditch, was being played by athletes hired by Caroline using customer funds from FTX.

Some experts within the cryptocurrency community believe the combination of drugs, money and a childlike obsession with the Harry Potter series likely compromised Caroline Ellison’s judgment & grasp of reality.

“Nothing like regular amphetamine use to make you appreciate how dumb a lot of normal, non-medicated human experience is,” Ellison said in the tweet dated April 5, 2021 before later tweeting “so many normies out there have never cast a spell or made a potion it’s freagin pathetic.”

Her reference to drug use and magic went viral on social media platforms such as Twitter and Reddit, following the publishing of reports that FTX and Alameda Research funneled $10 billion in client funds to Alameda Research to help enable the firm’s idiotic bets on useless cryptocurrencies. At a minimum $1 billion of those funds are reportedly still missing following the fund’s collapse and are believed to have been spent on a private Harry Potter themed park in the Bahamas that Caroline created for her sole use.

But Caroline emphasized that she has not completely lost her faith in the power of magic “I have been brewing up an amortentia” Caroline said referencing a powerful love potion from the Harry Potter series before mentioning that “I am hoping to use this on the SEC and the DOJ to hopefully avoid any sort of criminal prosecution.”

But despite her positivity, Caroline is not letting the author of the Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling, off the hook so easily “I feel like the [Harry Potter] books need better instructions or like a disclaimer about the limitations of these magic spells” Caroline said with a hint of disappointment before noting that “if anyone is to blame for the missteps I made at Alameda Research, it’s J.K. Rowling, I put my faith in Harry Potter and look where it got me.”

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