CDC Studies Effects of Cryptocurrency Trading on Primates

ATLANTA - The unexpected collapse of one of the largest cryptocurrency exchanges has shaken policymakers in Washington D.C..

As policymakers attempt to understand the risks present in the cryptocurrency market, they have been left to ask themselves the question: Could they have prevented a crisis if they had put more resources into understanding this industry?

As various bodies within the Federal government grapple with how to address the cryptocurrency market, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently unveiled a years long study it conducted to better understand the potential health implications of the new cryptocurrency market.

In what is being hailed as a first of its kind breakthrough by the scientific community, a team of researchers announced earlier today that they had successfully taught a Gorilla how to read & understand cryptocurrency price charts.

In a groundbreaking study a Gorilla, named Momo, was taught to not only understand cryptocurrency price charts but to also associate gains and losses with specific amounts of bananas.

“You may think that things like money are concepts only humans can understand” primatologist Dr. Eric Wondershnut said before continuing, “while things like trade and ownership are not organic to primate culture, they have been taught to primates previously, which is why we chose Momo for this study.”

Dr. Wondershnut’s study drew criticism from the primatologist community when it was first proposed, with many arguing that subjecting any creature to the price volatility of cryptocurrency was inhumane.

To Dr. Wondershnut, who watched a beloved nephew get pulled down the Web 3.0 Monkey JPEG rabbithole, the benefits of this groundbreaking study far outweighed the potential ethical questions.

“Whether it be medical research or putting primates aboard spacecraft in the early days of the space program, great leaps in scientific research demand a willingness to push the envelope” Dr. Wondershnut said defiantly when asked by reporters at an annual primate research conference.

“To establish a baseline understanding of the meaning of cryptocurrency prices, we taught Momo to associate the heights of green and red candles with increased or decreased amounts of bananas that [he] could claim” Dr. Wondershnut said before going on to note that “once that competency was taught we needed to teach Momo about the potential future price of cryptocurrency by saying things like''one banana today or one thousand bananas tomorrow, up only up only.”

During the 2021 bull market as prices increased dramatically, anytime Momo would attempt to claim his bananas a researcher would ask “why not wait for more bananas tomorrow, up only, not financial advice” over and over again.

Researchers suspect that, motivated by the prospect of more future bananas, Momo opted to hold his bag of Avax, Luna and Solana instead of claiming the near 10x bananas he had earned during the 2021 bull cycle.

Despite the caretakers repeatedly telling Momo to “do his own research” it appears Momo did not.

“While Momo certainly had a sophisticated understanding of the relationship between price candles and bananas, he lacked an understanding of how inflation or interest rates might affect the future banana value of his tokens” Dr. Wondershnut said with a look of concern “that was a tough lesson that Momo had to learn from the natural environment.”

As cryptocurrency prices began to tumble in 2022, Momo became increasingly despondent and alarmed.

“Why Jerome Powell take bananas away” Momo would sign with a sense of alarm to researchers.

Waking up each morning, Momo would eagerly check price charts. However, after only seeing red candles, Momo grew increasingly angry, throwing chairs and other items within his enclosure.

“Luna has stablecoin, why Luna down” an alarmed Momo signed to researchers in mid-May following the ecosystem's collapse.

“Luna bananas fake” a researcher signed back attempting to convey that the entire protocol was in fact a ponzi scheme.

The study ended early, when an angry Momo somehow got access to a reddit account and began downvoting posts and writing profanity-laced comments.

Despite this, primatologists around the world have expressed an interest in developing their own cryptocurrency focused primate studies, speculating that such studies could radically change the understanding of the elusive “Ape Culture” that exists within the cryptocurrency community.

It is rumored that a study in Sweden is being planned to study the impact of NFTs on capuchin monkeys.